Reading Journal #1 - Being meaningful

(Matthew West- More)

(I thought this CCM matched the theme of my writing, and my experience.)

In the book Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption, there was a character named Red. He was the narrator of the story, and the best friend of Andy, who was the main character of the story. He was the one who could get anything for others in the jail. And that's how Andy and Red became friends. Also, even though the buying and delivering things for the others didn't do any good to Red, he still did the job as he really appreciated the title of 'the person who can get things to you'.

When Andy and Red were talking about leaving the jail, Andy asked if Red could join Andy's business.  However, Red presented his worries about being useless outside of the jail. In the jail, he was a very important person who had the power to bring things in. But at outside, there are others who already had the job that Red have had in the jail. He was worried to loose the title and the power at outside. That was one of the reasons why Red was afraid to leave the jail.

I also had the similar feelings when I first came to this school, KMLA, which is a very admired high school in Korea, I believe. When I was attending a normal middle school, I was a smart girl with other special abilities, like playing flute. All teachers who taught me knew me and remembered my name. When there was a question, my classmates brought that them to me and asked for help. When I gained awards, people took it for granted.

However, in this school, nobody noticed me. I wasn't smart. There were other people who had the title 'smart'. I didn't have other special extra abilities. It's something more like 'required', as every other people had it too. Teachers didn't know my name. I wasn't special at all, so I wasn't worthy to be remembered by others. I had to bring my questions to others in order to solve it. I lost the title as Red lost his title at outside of his world, Shawshank. I lost all confidence I used to have and I became very negative. I wondered if this place was where I should really be. If I was at ordinary high school, maybe I could have been just like I used to be in the middle school. Good old days. Other people looked marvelous and there was no place for me to fit in. I considered myself very miserable.

Red must have felt the same when he was thrown out of his cozy Shawshank. Even though the place was where other jail people wished to be, it was certainly not for Red. People didn't pay attention to Red, and he was a replaceable worker to the society. He must have felt very miserable in repeated life that he could never get used to. Being in a place where doesn't belong to the person creates big pain. Red accepted Shawshank as his place and rejected what we call 'normal life'. Being outside of the Shawshank created him a big deal of pain.

However, he found his place in the world. It was with Andy. Andy saw Red's values and created his place even though the society classified him as 'useless'. Andy cheered Red up and gave him hope. Because of Andy, Red could stand up and went on a journey to find his place in the world, not like Brooks, who couldn't find his place in the society and finally died.

In my case, God worked as Andy. When I was down and felt miserable, he was with me and kept said that I was also precious. As I gained the confidence back, I could see my state more clearly without any negative blinders. I actually was able to fit in this school. I found my place in here too. It's not a well-known and respected place like I had when I was in the middle school, but it's a place where I can have fun and feel comfortable and protected. I'm doing many activities that wouldn't have been allowed if I quit this school and went to normal high school, like the club activities and school projects. I also helped some of my friends by listening to their stories and being together when they were going through harsh time. I realized that I wasn't the only one who had such concerns.

Still, the school is very challenging and I feel miserable sometimes. However, I never think of quitting this school anymore. It's all my life and experience. If I just stop everything right now, I am sure that I will regret my choice even after I die. I hope Red feels the same after he meets Andy and start the business. The time gap that was created because of the imprisonment isn't an easy enemy. They will have times when they face big troubles and miss the Shawshank. However, I hope they will take that as one of the experiences that they missed while they were in the jail.
I hope they never lose their hope and keep heading forward.
I hope at the time they die, they don't regret things for not challenging.
And when I continue to live on this harsh world, I hope I kept considered myself as a beautiful person, no matter what.
I hope

Green Day-metafiction

I'm a tree located on a windowsill of a typical Korean high school. It's a very typical school with lots of students in a small classroom, and the small size of the room actually helps me to observe them. Observing these students is very interesting. When a person called teacher comes, they all fall asleep. However, when the teacher leaves, they all wake up and move around. Even though the 'teacher' is changed, it's always same.


The 'teacher' is also very interesting. Everyday, he or she talks about tests. Especially the big test named Suneung. Students looked very bored when the subject is brought up that they tried to ignore. Also, the teachers categorized students into groups and treated them unequally.


My life is very peaceful. Even though the kids are very noisy and energetic, they never torture me. Actually, it's more like they don't care about me, except only one girl who waters me everyday. She's a very strange girl. I can't see her. She's blurry. I don't think she really is blurry, as other kids don't seem to feel the difference. It's very weird.


Mentioning weirdness, there's another thing that's very strange. I know somethings that I shouldn't now as a tree. For example, I understand the lectures that the teacher is teaching. It's as I have taken this class before. It may be from last year's lecture, but last year, the classroom I'm located was used for freshmen, so the lecture should have been different. Also, I don't remember listening to the lecture. I just know it.


Back to the girl, she was a perfect person. Or should I say whom TRIES to be perfect. She was smart, kind, humorous, and active, but sometimes very unstable. For example, she once got one question wrong on the math quiz. The quiz was unusually hard, so she did well compared to the others. But she couldn't satisfy, and studied only math for about 3 days even during the other class times, before she fainted shortly in the school. When she woke up, she resisted to go to the hospital or tell her parents about it. Also, a kid who really hated the girl was very mad one time, and slapped her face. But the girl was smiling, like she didn't know how to get angry. Or like she was restraining herself too much.


It seemed that teachers and her parents are expecting very high on her. People took granted about her good scores, and when she didn't pay attention on the class, teachers would scold her. And tell her that the they were very disappointed at her, even though the other kids never paid attention. 


She became more and more unstable. I wanted to help her somehow. I really felt pity. And on final exam, she got really low score. Her teacher and parents were upset, but not like she was. She was pushing herself too much. She looked really tired. And one day, she wasn't there during the class. I was looking out of the window, and


She was falling down.


Everyone and I panicked. 


I wondered, 'Why does she has to be perfect?' It's her life, so there is no need to care about the others' views. She should be the master of her life, but she let the others to have control. Expectations are expectations, not the final goal, and moreover, they're other's expectations. Also, other people weren't that strict on her either. Her parents were worried and yes, they scolded her. But suicide?  I don't know. I mean.. I don't, I don't understand. 


Life is important. Everybody knows. And everyone has their own sufferings. I can't blame others for giving up their life as I am not them and I can't fully understand their suffer. But it's really sad that the girl forced herself too far and that's the reason she committed suicide. It's not her parents, teachers, or the financial problem or unemployment. Herself. And that's the tragedy, I believe. I really wanted to help her, and now she's gone. She was smart. She deserved a better life. She had the power to have a better life. It's sad.


How do I know that the exact reason she committed suicide? I don't know how, but I know. I know what her parents have told her, and how she felt about the people around her and all the situations. This is weird. Now I realize, it's very strange. How do I know it all? I'm only a tree who has been placed on the windowsill for my entire life. No I'm not. I don't remember being put here, or any past before this class started. I'm a tree, a very small tree. No I'm not. I'm not a tree. Who am I?


The world is spinning












Beep-
Beep-
Beep-
Beep Beep Beep Beep


"Zoomi, you woke up!"
"Oh, thank God!"
"Are you okay? Can you see me? Can you hear me?"


They are my parents


"Wha.. What happened?"
"You threw yourself from the rooftop of the school building!! Luckily, you only broke your leg! Oh my god I was so scared! I thought you would never wake up from the coma!"
"Yeah...?"
"Well, the patient needs time to relax, so please leave the room"
"Okay, doctor. Zoomi, see you this afternoon."


They left and I was alone. I thought about the dream I had. Do I really deserve a better life? I didn't realize it when I was living like crazy. This is my second chance to create my life story that many people wanted. I really wanted to make it valuable. I wanted to find something that I really wanted to do, and put my passion on it, not on maintaining on my reputation and situation. 


Sun is shining brightly and shedding light through the window to the room. And there is a small tree on the windowsill.


Who are YOU?

Reflective Response to "Spring" in Kim Ki Duk's Film

In the movie, the master taught how the similar-looking herb can kill or save people. It's the white line that determines the effect of the herb. Just like that, our wordings can either kill or save people depending on the intention that is hidden in the words. I once was in a very bad mood as something really bad happened. One of my friend came and said "Awww.. that's too bad" in a very emotionless tone with a little bit of smiling face. I know that it's her usual face and tone, but I couldn't stop thinking that the girl was enjoying my disappointment and happy because I'm said. After that day, I couldn't really open up my mind to her or share my personal experiences. However, one of my friend wrote me a long letter that wishes me to feel better. It wasn't a great artistic piece, but it moved me and I was able to feel much better, thinking that I have good friends around me who I can rely on, so there is no reason to be depressed. I still keep that letter. Both actions and words were to make me cheer up, but one worked and one didn't. I believe that it's because of the intention and care that is hidden inside the words that made the difference, just like the white lines on the herb.

Also, the boy tied animals for his amusement, and it lead to the animals to die. Similarly, I usually tease people around me for my amusement, and I find out that it can bring the same effects as well. I once told funny stories about one of my teacher in my academy to my friends. And I thought that it won't affect him at all, because I tole others once, and he didn't take that seriously. However, he did this time, and he was seriously offended. I felt really guilty, however, I didn't know how to apologize to him. He moved to another academy later. It wasn't because of my teasing, but I still feel like it's all my fault. Still, I can't control myself sometimes and still hurt people. But I always try to remind myself about the incident and try to restrain myself. I think I will have the guilt forever, just like how the kid in the movie will feel for killing the animals. 

Greenday-relay writing ver.1

I'm a plant that is located in a field that is between Dasan-Building and Chungmu-Building in KMLA territory. In here, I can see and hear the people going to another buildings, playing in the soccer field, and people doing work or chit-chatting near me. It's very interesting to observe them. But sometimes it's painful also. Yesterday, one senior kicked me badly because he had problems with his applications. I learned that the application thing is very important among them, but I still don't get why. Human beings are very interesting. Their stories don't end with just the example of one senior. I've been staying this place for nearly ten years, and their actions are very similar, yet they believe to be different.--KJE

As usual, I was holding my roots, hearing the icy wind that swept me like a blade of a sword. My inner ecological clock told me that it was 9:18 AM. So I had 2 minutes before everyone would get out of the buildings and run over me with their ruthless, spiky shoes. I only had to bear 10 minutes for those barbarians with absolutely no respect for plants like me to get to their next classes.---KSY

But today was a little bit different than I had expected. I happened to hear a couple accidently. Accidently, I never eavesdrop people. ---PJM

But of course, I can't help it if a couple decides to step behind me to have a private conversation with themselves. If I was a warm-blooded animal(ugh!), I would've blushed and moved out of the way. But i couldn't, so yeah. Not my fault.---JSB

I can read their name tags: Joo Subin and... who is it? I can't read I really don't like couples. You might think they are the most interesting but they aren't, because they're all the same. Friend have various conversations and all, but couples? They only do two things. Talking awkwardly about some boring topics (this usually happens with freshman couples) or kissing. This time, it was the latter one. Boring, really, just watching them putting their mouths together for minutes. Iw wonder if it is exciting.---SJY