Having a grandfather who is
suffering for cancer also means that having to watch him hide his empty head
with a hat whenever I was passing by. He had lost his hair due to strong
medication and the loss quite changed his appearance. I told him that he was
still handsomest without his hair, yet
he must have been mentally suffering for the hair loss. His silent sagging
shoulders kept tortured me and somehow made me feel guilty.
One day, I found a poster that stimulated
people to cut and share their hair to make wigs for children who were suffering
leukemia or childhood cancer and lost their hair just like my grandfather. It
was impossible for me to “perfectly” understand the agony, because I wasn’t in
the exact same situation of illness. However, I understood how much the hair,
which could seem insignificant to most people, could bring change to those
children, as I have observed the change in my grandfather. Therefore, I decided
to donate my hair too.
The donation had lowest boundary
of 30cm of hair, as wigs can’t be made with too short ones. So when I cut my
hair to match the requiring length, the long hair that initially reached the
waist became to barely dangle on the top of the neck. Although the haircut
dramatically changed my appearance that turned me to look like a boy, the lost
of hair didn’t damage me much as I didn’t have much meaning in having a long
hair. I felt that it was surprisingly easy to make others happy by sharing something
that wasn’t needed to me. People have different order of priority. If people
could give up their greed and share, they would be able to gain things that are
higher in the order of priority to them by sacrifices of others who consider
those things to be placed lower. I lost hair that was almost nothing to me, but some people gained what they were desperately craving for.
When I was back home with my new
hairstyle, I enveloped my hair to the organization with a wish that this hair
would give the children also a new hairstyle that would bring them confidence,
hope, and passion which are the biggest fortunes of youth that can change everything. Seeing through the
mirror of the void on my shoulder that used to be covered with black, I hoped
the children’s shoulders, which must have been like my grandfather's, would
rise up once again due to new hair that would bring them confidence.
wow i love this essay...... directly to the point, clearly delivers a clever and touching theme. Great!
답글삭제This could easily be "your essay." It definitely deserves at least one more version that captures a bit more about what it's like to cut all your hair off. I think this essay should be less about cancer and charity, and more about you and how you look at the world. Admissions officers will respect the essay more if cancer and charity are secondary to YOUR story. A motto you might find helpful is "show don't tell," where you show who you are by how you react and interpret what happens in the story.
답글삭제As for where the essay begins, and where it ends, and how it ends - the ending could be a bit more subtle. Some readers might find it a overly dramatic. I don't, but some might. As for the beginning, the "hook" should put us in the barber chair with you as you watch your hair fall off and put inside a bag. Maybe the paragraph you have now is the second paragraph? Things to consider.
All in all this is very good and very engaging for a first draft. It is short, and that is a strength. Admissions officers respect big stories in tight packages where words are not wasted. Great start!